Olá, caminhantes

 

Depois de quase dois meses sumida, estou de volta. Foi um período de luto e adequação a um mundo sem a presença do meu pai, que faleceu no dia 22 de junho. Curiosamente, não senti vontade de escrever sobre ele – embora eu pense muito nele. Por uma semana eu não fiz nada, só investiguei o que estava sentindo, tentando entender o que é “isso” que leva quem amamos embora.

E então veio o medo.

Medo de sair daquele lugar de “nada” e voltar ao mundo. De nunca mais conseguir escrever. De ser puxada para a tristeza, e me ver outra vez naquele lugar escuro que é para onde vamos quando estamos com depressão. E, como uma tábua salvadora, um desejo diferente chegou logo em seguida. Embora eu me recusasse a escrever sobre a morte do meu pai, senti vontade de escrever criativamente.  Retomar histórias, criar novas, imaginar novos mundos (pra quem não sabe, sou escritora de romances também, além de psicóloga).

Essa vontade de saltar sobre a escrita me deixou bastante curiosa. O maior medo de um escritor é o bloqueio, a falta de vontade de escrever, e eu estava ali, de luto, com uma nuvem escura sobre a cabeça, e as ideias pipocavam como nunca. Mais ou menos nessa época recebi uma mensagem de uma escola de escrita criativa que sigo, o Sense Writing, e ela falava sobre a resistência. Resistência, como imaginam, gera o nosso maior temor: a incapacidade de se sentar na frente do papel ou do computador e permitir que as palavras fluam.

O título me chamou a atenção, porque dizia assim:  Vive La Résistance

Viva a resistência? Meu Deus, eu estava tremendo nas bases com medo de ter um ano vazio, sem ideias, e ela dizia viva!

O texto da professora de escrita começava falando que depois de dar aulas por tantos anos, e muitos dos seus alunos pararem lá por causa de bloqueios criativos, ela começou a pensar sobre o papel da resistência na vida do artista. Sua conclusão me encantou.

“Artistas prosperam em resistência.
Artistas são rebeldes.”

Artistas resistem.

E, no entanto, artistas (aquele que escreve é um artista, porque CRIA algo) muitas vezes são apanhados em seu próprio loop de resistência. Mas “e se”, a autora questiona, “…em vez disso, a resistência pudesse ser um impulso especialmente útil para quem escreve? Tornar-se uma parte saudável do que é ser um artista?”

Ela sugere, então, que a gente aprenda a amar a parte de si mesmo que resiste. A parte que resiste, resiste por um motivo. Ela não quer lutar contra você; ela quer mandar um recado.

Será que a resistência não é uma forma da mente (ou o corpo, ou da alma) apontar que não estamos fazendo o que é adequado para nós? Será que estamos fazendo algo que já não serve mais aos nossos desejos em evolução?

Além disso, ela questiona: o que a resistência está tentando nos dizer?

A autora escreve:

“Talvez nossos desejos e objetivos sejam terminar nosso manuscrito, ou tornar a escrita uma prática diária.

Nós queremos coisas. Portanto, não é surpresa que acabamos nos aproximando da escrita com o mesmo tipo de impulso e estresse que trazemos para o nosso dia a dia, como outra tarefa a ser executada e finalizada (ainda que carregada de SIGNIFICADO). Mas, muitas vezes, essa abordagem sufoca as próprias ferramentas que realmente nos permitem escrever: estado de alerta, falta de consciência, abertura para surpreender. Então ficamos presos entre nossos desejos e nossas dificuldades. Não é de admirar que resistamos.

Comece interrompendo a luta. Em vez de empurrar ou superar a resistência, desista de combatê-la.

Quando nos sintonizamos com as partes mais intrincadas e silenciosas de nós mesmos, podemos resistir não a nossos próprios impulsos, mas às exigências de nossas narrativas cotidianas. Nós nos tornamos mais conectados – às nossas próprias experiências físicas e ao mundo de nossos sentidos, memórias e imaginação.

Se pudermos aprender a ver a resistência como um impulso saudável, em vez de algo a temer, podemos gradualmente começar a entender – e sentir – como estar abertos a mais de nós mesmos.”

Não sei por que senti vontade de escrever ficção, e não apliquei justamente a escrita que cura a dor do luto, como menciono no curso de escrita terapêutica. O que entendi de tudo isso é que cada um acha seu caminho entre as palavras, e eles nos surpreendem todas as vezes. Entendi também que a resistência tem um oposto, e esse oposto se chama criatividade. Criar é o sinônimo de vida; criatividade é contrário da morte. Não era a hora do bloqueio ainda; na verdade, acho que meu pai ia adorar saber que estou escrevendo muito, estou escrevendo um livro leve, e mais ainda, ele ia adorar ler essa história.

Quando me senti arrastada pela criatividade, me dei conta de algo grande. Ela não oferece porquês e bem poucas explicações. Ela é o que é, e por deixá-la apenas ser, a nuvem sumiu do horizonte. Aceitei a morte como um passo da vida; aceitei que a vida não para por nada nem ninguém; e aceitei que precisava fazer desse tempo que tenho aqui o lugar mais colorido que conseguir imaginar.

No momento, meu luto é escrever. Só não exatamente o que me imaginei escrevendo.

Avante, caminhantes, sempre!

Abraços carinhosos,

 

Karina

 

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