Olá, caminhantes,

Recentemente terminei um livro muito bonito, chamado: “Pequenas Delicadezas: conselhos sobre o amor e a vida”, da Cheryl Strayed (Objetiva, 2013). O livro se trata de uma coletânea de cartas escritas para uma coluna chamada Dear Sugar, da revista americana Rumpus, onde uma mulher intitulada Dear Sugar (no Brasil, Doçura) dava conselhos sobre a vida em geral.

Assim que as pessoas começaram a ler as respostas da Cheryl (por anos ninguém soube quem era a Dear Sugar), a coluna estourou. A escrita da autora era eloquente, honesta, profundamente inteligente e incrivelmente empática, e não raramente levava o público às lágrimas.

Mas embora o livro inteiro seja lindo, uma carta em especial me marcou muito.

Nela, o poder das palavras – e o da falta delas – é simplesmente inesquecível. Naquela resposta que ela deu a um homem que passava pela pior dor do mundo – a de perder um filho -, toda beleza da vida e crueldade da morte foram expostas. Quanta humanidade. Quanta sabedoria. E quanta beleza as palavras podem trazer ao que há de mais sofrido.

Como tanto carta quanto resposta me tocaram demais, deixo aqui (quase na íntegra) essa maravilhosa conversa íntima como prova de que a cura está sempre em algum lugar dentro de nós.

Mas precisamos ir atrás dela, de uma maneira ou de outra.

 

O LUGAR OBLITERADO

1º de julho de 2011

 

“Cara Doçura,

1. Demorei muitas semanas para escrever esta carta e, mesmo assim, não consigo fazer isso direito.  A única maneira que consegui foi fazendo uma lista. Este é um assunto difícil e uma lista me ajuda a contá-lo. Você pode mudá-lo para uma carta normal, se desejar, caso deseje publicá-lo.

2. Eu não tenho uma pergunta definitiva para você. Eu sou um homem triste, cujo filho morreu. Eu o quero de volta. Isso é tudo que peço e esta não é uma pergunta.

3. Vou começar de novo desde o começo. Eu sou um homem de 58 anos. Quase quatro anos atrás, um motorista bêbado matou meu filho. O homem estava tão embriagado que furou um sinal vermelho e bateu no meu filho a toda velocidade. O garoto que eu amava mais do que a própria vida morreu antes que os paramédicos chegassem. Ele tinha vinte e dois anos, meu único filho.

4. Sou pai sem ser pai. Na maioria dos dias parece que minha dor vai me matar, ou talvez já tenha me matado. Eu sou um pai morto-vivo.

5. Sua coluna me ajudou a continuar. Não posso explicar o porquê, Doçura, mas é verdade. […] Suas palavras parecem sagradas para mim. Eles me seguram. Eu tenho fé na minha versão de Deus e oro todos os dias, e a maneira como me sinto quando estou imerso em minha oração mais profunda é quando leio as suas palavras. Eu nunca te disse isso porque eu não sou do tipo que escreve comentários em sites ou manda notas de fãs, mas eu gostaria de dizer isso agora, na esperança de que mesmo se você optar por não publicar isso,  leia e receba minha gratidão pelo conforto que você me deu.

6. Eu vejo um psicólogo regularmente e não estou clinicamente deprimido ou sob medicação.

7. O suicídio me ocorreu (isso foi o que inicialmente me levou a marcar uma consulta com meu psicólogo). Dada a circunstância, acabar com a minha vida é um pensamento razoável, mas não posso fazê-lo porque seria uma traição aos meus valores e também aos valores que incuti no meu filho. […]

11. Eu não consigo parar de pensar no meu filho. Sobre as coisas que ele estaria fazendo agora se estivesse vivo e também as coisas que fiz com ele quando ele era jovem, minhas boas lembranças dele, meu desejo de voltar no tempo e ou reviver memórias felizes ou alterar aquelas que são menos felizes.

12. Uma coisa que eu mudaria é quando, aos 17 anos, meu filho me informou que era gay. Eu não acreditei nele, então perguntei em um tom negativo: “mas como você pode não gostar de garotas?” Eu rapidamente interrompi aquilo e cheguei a abraçá-lo, mas me arrependo da minha reação inicial à sua homossexualidade e nunca pedi desculpas a ele por isso. Eu acredito que ele sabia que eu o amava. Eu acredito que ele sabia que eu queria que ele fosse feliz, não importando o caminho que sua felicidade pudesse tomar. Mas Sugar, por essa e outras coisas, estou atormentado.

13. Eu odeio o homem que matou meu filho. Por seu crime, ele foi encarcerado 18 meses, depois libertado. Ele me escreveu uma carta de desculpas, mas eu rasguei em pedaços e joguei no lixo.

15. Temo que você escolha não responder minha carta porque você não perdeu um filho.

17. Eu rezo para que você nunca perca um filho.

18. Eu vou entender se você optar por não responder minha carta. A maioria das pessoas, por mais gentis que sejam, não sabem o que dizer para mim, então por que você deveria? Eu certamente não sabia o que dizer para pessoas como eu antes do meu filho morrer, então eu não culpo os outros pelo desconforto delas.

19. Estou escrevendo para você porque a maneira como você escreveu sobre a sua tristeza pela morte de sua mãe tão jovem foi significativa para mim. Eu até imprimi uma das suas colunas e li para o meu psicólogo porque isso teve um impacto grande em mim. Estou convencido de que, se alguém puder iluminar meu inferno sombrio, será você.

20. O que você pode dizer para mim?

21. Como eu continuo?

22. Como eu me torno humano novamente?

Assinado,

Pai Morto Vivo”

 

A cada carta que eu lia, eu me perguntava antes de seguir adiante se eu conseguiria responde-la, e me fiz essa pergunta ao final dessa carta também. Em muitos casos eu saberia o que responder, mas em outros,  não fazia ideia. Essa, em especial, me deixou com um aperto grande no peito, e a sensação de que me faltariam palavras. Como se consola um pai que perdeu seu único filho? Como entender, se não sofri uma perda tão monstruosa, o que ele está sentindo? Como ajudar alguém nesse estado miserável a reconectar com a vida? Eram essas as perguntas que me fiz depois que li aquilo.

Aqui embaixo está a resposta da Cheryl. Leiam atentamente, de coração aberto.

 

“Caro pai Morto Vivo,

1. Eu não sei como você segue em frente sem seu filho. Sei apenas que você precisa seguir. E tem que seguir. E que você irá.

2. Sua carta de uma tristeza suave e perturbadora é a prova disso.

3. Você não precisa de mim para lhe dizer como voltar a ser humano. Você está lá, em toda a sua humanidade, brilhando incontestavelmente diante de cada pessoa lendo essas palavras, neste momento.

4. Lamento muito a sua perda. Lamento muito a sua perda. Lamentomuitoasuaperda.

5. Você poderia costurar uma colcha de retalhos com todas as vezes em que isso tem sido dito e será dito a você. Você poderia fazer um rio de palavras de consolo. Mas elas não trarão seu filho de volta. Eles não impedirão aquele homem de entrar no seu carro, e avançar o sinal vermelho no momento exato em que seu filho estava no caminho.

6. Você nunca vai conseguir isso.

7. Espero que você se lembre de que, quando descarregar sua raiva e esquecer as insensatas ideias de suicídio, e todas as coisas que imaginou que seu filho seria e não foi, […] e todas as coisas que você gostaria de ter feito diferente, no centro disso há o seu amor puro de pai que é mais forte que tudo.

8. Ninguém pode tocar esse amor ou mudá-lo ou tirá-lo de você. Seu amor por seu filho pertence somente a você. E viverá em você até o dia de sua morte.

9. Coisas pequenas como essa me salvaram: o quanto amo minha mãe – mesmo depois de todos esses anos. A intensidade com que a trago dentro de mim. Minha dor é tremenda, mas meu amor é maior. E assim é o seu. Você não está de luto pela morte do seu filho porque a morte dele foi violenta e injusta. Você está sofrendo porque você o amava de verdade. A beleza nisso é maior que a amargura de sua morte.

10. Permitir que essas pequenas coisas entrem na sua consciência não o impedirá de sofrer, mas ajudará você a sobreviver ao dia seguinte.

11. Eu continuo imaginando você deitado em sua cama e chorando. Não paro de pensar que, por mais difícil que seja fazer isso, é tempo de ficar quieto e e levantar a cabeça da cama para ouvir o que existe depois do choro.

12. É a sua vida. Aquela que você precisa criar no lugar obliterado que é agora o seu mundo, onde tudo que costumava ser está ao mesmo tempo apagado e onipresente, onde você é para todo o sempre um pai morto-vivo.

13. Seu menino está morto, mas ele continuará a viver dentro de você. Seu amor e tristeza serão intermináveis, mas também mudarão de forma. Há coisas sobre a vida do seu filho e as suas que você não consegue entender agora. Há coisas que você entenderá daqui a um ano, e em dez anos e vinte anos.

14. A palavra “obliterada” vem do latim obliterare. Ob significa “contra”; literare significa “letra” ou “roteiro”.  Uma tradução literal é “ser contra as letras”. Foi impossível para você me escrever uma carta, então você me fez uma lista. É impossível você continuar como era antes, então você deve continuar como nunca o fez.

15. É errado que isso seja exigido de você. É errado que seu filho tenha morrido. Sempre será errado.

16. O lugar obliterado é tanto destruição quanto criação. O lugar obliterado é preto retinto e branco luminoso. É água e terra ressequida. É lama e é maná. O verdadeiro trabalho do sofrimento intenso é criar um lar nele.

17. Você tem o poder de resistir a esse sofrimento. Todos nós fazemos, apesar de todos afirmarmos que não. Nós dizemos: “Não dá para seguir em frente”, em vez de dizer que esperamos não ter que seguir em frente. Isso é o que você está dizendo em sua carta para mim, pai morto-vivo. Você fez isso por tanto tempo sem o seu garoto querido e agora você não aguenta mais. Mas você aguenta. Precisa aguentar.

18. Mais lhe será revelado. Seu filho ainda não lhe ensinou tudo o que ele tem para lhe ensinar. Ele te ensinou a amar como você nunca amou antes. Ele te ensinou a sofrer como você nunca sofreu antes. Talvez a próxima coisa que ele lhe ensine seja aceitar. E a coisa que vem depois disso, que é perdoar.

19. O perdão grita dentro de você. Há dúvidas, perigos e caricaturas insondáveis. Há histórias que você vai aprender se for forte o suficiente para viajar até lá. Uma delas pode curar você.

20. Quando meu filho tinha seis anos, ele disse: “Nós não sabemos quantos anos temos para viver. As pessoas morrem em todas as idades.” Ele disse isso sem angústia ou remorso, sem medo ou desejo. Isso tem me ajudado a aceitar de um jeito bem simples que a vida de minha mãe foi de 45 anos, que não havia nada além disso. Havia apenas a minha expectativa de que haveria – minha mãe aos 89 anos, minha mãe aos 63 anos, minha mãe aos 46 anos. Essas coisas não existem. Eles nunca existiram.

21. Pense: a vida do meu filho teve a duração de 22 anos. Respire.

22. Pense: a vida do meu filho teve a duração de 22 anos. Expire.

23. Não existe o 23.

24. Você continua fazendo o melhor que pode, você continua sendo generoso, você continua sendo verdadeiro. Você continua oferecendo conforto aos outros que não podem continuar, você continua permitindo que os dias insuportáveis ​​passem e permitindo o prazer em outros dias. Você segue descobrindo um canal para o seu amor e outro para a sua raiva.

26. A verdadeira premissa de sua cura exige que você deixe para lá a expectativa. Você precisa chegar a um acordo, e aceitar que seu filho sempre será somente o homem que ele de fato era: o jovem de 22 anos que chegou até aquele sinal vermelho. Aquele que o amou profundamente. Aquele que há muito tempo perdoou você por perguntar por que ele não gostava de garotas. Aquele que gostaria que você recebesse o novo namorado de seu namorado em sua vida. Aquele que gostaria que você encontrasse alegria e paz. Aquele que gostaria que você fosse o homem que ele não conseguiu ser.

27. Ser qualquer outra coisa o desonraria.

28. A coisa mais gentil e significativa que alguém já me disse é: sua mãe ficaria orgulhosa de você. Encontrar um caminho na minha dor para me tornar a mulher que minha mãe me criou para ser é a maneira mais importante de honrá-la. Tem sido o maior bálsamo para o meu sofrimento. A verdade estranha e dolorosa é que sou uma pessoa melhor porque perdi minha mãe jovem. Quando você diz que sente a minha escrita como sagrada, o que você está tocando é o lugar divino dentro de mim que é a minha mãe. Dear Sugar é o templo que eu construí no meu lugar obliterado. Eu devolveria tudo em um piscar de olhos, mas o fato é que meu sofrimento me ensinou coisas. Ele me mostrou tons e cores que eu não poderia ter visto de outra forma. Ele me exigiu sofrimento. Ele me forçou a tentar alcançar.

29. Seu sofrimento também o ensinou. Seu filho foi o maior presente de sua vida e ele é seu maior presente em sua morte também. Receba-o. Deixe que seu menino morto seja sua mais profunda revelação. Crie algo dele.

30. Faça com que seja algo lindo.

Um abraço,

Dear Sugar”

 

 

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